


A Younger Sister’s Woes

by m_k_ch



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Introspection, Kinda unfinished kinda not, Pre-Aqours, Pre-Canon, Unhealthy mentality, insecurities as a younger sibling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 21:39:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14860784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_k_ch/pseuds/m_k_ch
Summary: For Ruby, happiness was Dia’s happiness.





	A Younger Sister’s Woes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This story is supposed to be part of a psychological story, but 10 drafts later I couldn’t find a way to make this work. I’m wondering if I should instead make this about Ruby, pre-canon, present canon, and post-canon because I love writing about a character’s thoughts and actions.
> 
> This is basically how I imposed my insecurity as a younger sibling with an older and much more successful and intelligent sibling, and seeing Ruby be the same as me was something I wanted to touch in this fic.
> 
> It deals with the fact that I’m alright being behind as long as my sibling succeeds, but it develops into this unhealthy codependency, as well as an unrealistic idea of my sibling, forgetting that they’re someone who’s human too.

There is an appeal to artists that only scratch the surface of what it means to achieve perfection. To see the growth of people who try hard to reach the very last step of the staircase, even if it meant crawling when others have pushed them down to the very bottom.

 

It’s an endless crusade and to be able to witness all of them touch the last step with bleeding hands, Ruby still watched the other who fall after they try to desperately grab anyone so they could fall with them.

 

And really funny when others could reach the last step without having to do anything at all.

 

Maybe those who barely fought effort were easier to look at, standing in the spotlight with everything given to them and it’s a quick happily ever after. Easier to turn the page without having to witness how they fought tooth and nail in a gladiator battle of reaching the top of the mountain made of tears.

 

It could all be hyperbolic but when you’re in the sidelines, it’s difficult to watch even when you could reach out and pull someone back to ease them of their suffering, Ruby could. And yet, she was still only a spectator, and how much could she have helped when all her life people helped  _ her? _

 

She didn’t want to hear how the teacups trembled against the tray she was holding, hiding behind the door and eavesdropping on Matsuura-san and Dia’s conversation. She was already seeing how Dia seemed to fail newer dance steps and falling to the floor. She was already expecting something, even if she didn’t want to hear it.

 

“Thank you, Ruby.” Dia had whispered, barely looking at her own sister before taking a sip of the tea. If it burnt her tongue, she didn’t show it. Her hand only gripped the cup tightly, as if it was going break if she lets go. Ruby settled the cups and the teapot and picked up the tray, nodding a little and turning away when Matsuura-san smiled as a silent thank you, and Ruby took off.

 

Ruby left and almost stumbled all the way through, hand putting down the tray hastily in the kitchen cabinet then storming off to her own room.

 

She had expected it. In a place where hundreds and thousands of school girls try and achieve the same thing, it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t supposed to be  _ easy.  _ And all these girls in the same growing country looked at her from her posters pasted on all four walls of her room, smiling and posing and shining in different light. That was right, it wasn’t easy for them, too. 

 

But they lived in Uchiura, a small town by the seaside. That was the only appeal. Dia was everything to Ruby, but Dia was nothing to anyone else.

 

-

 

“Put that away,” Dia tore the words with her teeth in the same way she had heard her reject Ohara-san. “I don’t want to see it.”

 

And she shoved it deep into her drawer, locked for Ruby to even try and reach. She then started ripping all the posters in her room and hid every magazine she could find. All the paper were thrown into a crumpled mess in the corner of the room, and Ruby would have to deal with all of that the next day. It was easier to please Dia if she removed all the things she hated, and she would only have to hate all of them, too.

  
  


-

 

Hesitancy was part of Ruby. She chose with care, even if it took at least five minutes to make a choice, ten to make the final one.

 

Hesitancy comes with a price, especially when hesitancy is linked arm-in-arm with sentiment. Ruby pulled the drawer open and felt the magazine beneath her fingertips, stroking the paper where Hanayo looked at her, eyes shadowed by the darkness of the wood. 

 

She took the magazine and threw it into the plastic bag without looking back. Five minutes, she looked into the bag again, trying to fight the urge to take the posters out to look at them one last time.

 

“—..uby?”

 

Her eyes dart to the door. “Come in.” said in her voice. Shaky, knowing.

 

It slides open and Dia peaks through the gap, hair blending in with the darkness and her green eyes by the hallway. “Dinner starts in a few. Help me set the table?”

 

“I-in a minute, I’ll go out.”

 

Dia smiled serenely, stepping foot inside the room and kneeling beside Ruby. “You could have asked for help.”

 

Ruby leaned a little closer to Dia, as if she’s out of reach. “I didn’t want to bother you, or, with whatever you’re doing…”

 

Dia closed the gap, kissing her forehead. Her earliest memories were far away, her first healing kiss being foggy with the surrounding grass like the softness of the carpet. “You never waste my time, Ruby. I’m always here.”

 

Ruby sighed, giving the bag one last look. “Then how would it be if I became a school idol?” 

 

_ On her behalf. _

 

Pain could always be drowned out with the sound of Dia’s humming. Her look is piercing, pain joining in with the comfort of her presence and then pain is like  _ static.  _ Down to the pit of her stomach, Ruby shakes her head, eyes diverting from Dia’s. It was like looking into her own eyes, a mirror where she sees someone who she can never be.

 

“N-never mind.”

 

Of course. She can never be who Dia never was. Ruby only feared she would fall out of her path. Ruby never wanted to be steps ahead of her, she only wished to be next to her.

 

Dia’s eyes diverted. “I won’t stop you with what you want.”

 

She stood, and Ruby almost fell without Dia’s weight. The room fell empty without Dia as she disappeared into the dark hallway. 

 

It’s different with what Dia wants, and Ruby knows that. She knew it to the very core. 

 

Ten minutes, and Ruby crawled to the bag and tied it, kicking it as she stood to follow Dia into the dining room.

 

-

 

Ruby was in middle school, Dia was in high school.

 

Two more years and Ruby would be on her first year of high school and Dia on her third. She counted the days in her calendar of crossed out faces and did her homework diligently as she would. 

 

Maybe it was working, being the responsible girl everyone wanted her to be.

 

_ “Good job, Ruby. Keep it up.” _

 

She deserves it, she thought. It was different, being praised versus being coddled. Was that what Dia felt? When she got award after award after all those lessons, was she stepping up to be the person she wanted to be?

 

Dia smiled at her across the dinner table.

 

_ “Ruby is at the top of her class. I can see her studying hard.” _

 

If it was worth dreading every school day studying alone in the classroom, Ruby couldn't tell. To see the same scenery from morning until afternoon, following a strict routine unless the school had other things to offer. If it was worth sitting alone during lunch as other girls formed their own groups, Ruby didn’t know. It was better off locked in the deepest parts of her heart, and Ruby could only look down on to her own lunch, chewing away and blocking out the noise.

 

They were just in front of each other by the dinner table, but Dia seemed so far away.

 

_ “Just like you would, Onee-chan.” _

 

-

 

Three knocks.

 

“Ah, Onee-chan?” Ruby called out, peeping through the dim light from the crack of the door. “Can you help me with homework?”

 

“Come in.” said Dia’s muffled voice.

 

Pen and paper in hand, Ruby slid the door open, unclear of her own careful maneuver, but clear of the atmosphere Ruby felt the second she stepped into the room.

 

Ruby chose to ignore, but sometimes she could still hear the noise of a helicopter and Dia’s frustrated screams from this room itself.

 

Sitting down, she settled the pen and paper and waited for Dia to sit next to her. She had not felt eyes on her when she came. Ruby thought she was looking out the window, but Ruby decided not to press any further and stared at the blank paper.

 

Ruby looked up and saw Dia in front of her instead.

 

“So, Ruby, what do you need help for?”

 

-

 

“Are you happy?”

 

Ruby almost poked a hole on the paper.

 

“I—uh,sorry?” 

 

Dia leaned forward and looked at Ruby in the eye. “I’m wondering if you’re satisfied, Ruby. If everything is okay with you.”

 

Ruby put the pencil down and settled her hand on the table, close to Dia’s clenched fist.

 

“I don’t know why you’re asking… I’m okay.”

 

And yet Ruby could feel the frustration from Dia, how she couldn’t give the answer she wanted. Ruby could, but she just  _ can’t.  _ To resonate with the same feeling just left the air heavy, and Ruby looked down to avoid Dia’s eyes.

 

“I’m asking because I want to know what you want,” Dia pressed. “After—after the whole incident…”

 

And Dia fell silent.

 

Ruby thought she got what she was trying to say. She saw it herself, how the fallout of her sister’s friendship seemed to have strained her’s and Ruby’s relationship, too. But Ruby knew best not to press on. Idols were just one thing they had in common, right? It shouldn’t have been a big of a deal. They were going to grow out of it soon. 

 

(Ruby just wondered why she seemed more devastated than Dia was.)

 

_ Are you happy? _

 

“I want,” Ruby looked up and forced a tiny smile. “I want Onee-chan happy.”

 

Dia let out a chipped breath, mouth open but didn’t know what to say. The muscles on her face were tense. 

 

Some things were better left in the past. Ruby just wanted to know how to fix what it left them.

 

-

 

At days, Dia would completely shut herself in her room and as she was doing her work. Ruby believed her, but at all the times Dia hadn’t left, Ruby would pass by her door and Ruby would just give a longing glance before walking away.

 

Ruby pieced it together that it wasn’t just Dia’s distaste for idols as the only thing that tore something in their closeness. Dia has lost two of her friends and she started drifting away. She could still spot Dia looking out her window as if wishing Ohara-san’s helicopter would appear, or walking by the ocean as if Matsuura-san would rise up from her diving. They were gone, and only Ruby was there but she couldn’t do  _ anything  _ to remedy that. 

 

She rose up a hand to knock, but pulled back and walked past before doing anything.

 

Ruby wondered why her eyes started burning, and it was a single tear drop that almost broke her— a soft bed only there to stop her before letting her hurt herself if  _ ever. _

 

She was right  _ there,  _ why couldn’t Dia see? 

 

( _ “You could have asked for help.” _ )

 

It was Dia. Dia was Dia. Dia was stubborn, and Dia will do everything herself if she had to. Dia will fix things herself, and look at Ruby and say  _ This is how you do it, Ruby, but if you need help I’m here. _

 

“ _ I’m  _ here.” 

 

Dia wouldn’t hear Ruby’s whispers and calls. Ruby looked at her pillow, stained with angered tears and she hated it. She hated how she felt, she hated how  _ Dia  _ felt. She wanted to hate her so much because she wouldn’t let anyone near, not even  _ Ruby. _

 

And yet she couldn’t bring herself to hate her as much as she wanted to. She could only give and give and give, give all her love, give her  _ praise.  _ She looked up to Dia. Whenever people looked at Dia, Ruby  _ shone,  _ because maybe they could also see what Ruby saw. Maybe it was sister complex. The thought disgusted her.

 

There was admiration, that was true. She need not her lover. Attraction was out of the question. Being her sister was enough. 

 

(Wanted to be her, wanted to be with her.)

 

In a few months, she were to start high school and Ruby is  _ excited  _ at the thought that at some point, she’s going to be with Dia more. She will see how people saw her; Ruby will people how she saw her. She could only hope.

 

(Maybe it was adoration.)

 

-

 

On the endless array of stuffed toys displayed by her bed, the trail eventually ended to a shelf full of art books and books about clothing. The shelf was considerably empty. Or maybe it could be half full. 

 

Ruby took a book and others fell from the pile, paperbacks and hardcovers stacking up on each other. None of the mess, however, moved the figurines on top. There were no colorful clothes, nor frilly dresses dancing girls wore. Ornaments of rabbits and dogs sat on top of the wood. They were gifts from antique gift shops, when a younger version of Ruby would dream before a glass window and gasp for the small, ceramic display.

 

Ridiculous, as it is, how a figure of a girl calmly sitting with the simplest clothes would catch Ruby’s attention. She would look at it and think how it was not totally Ruby to get something less than of a dynamic doll.

 

But when Dia had persuaded their parents to buy it, Ruby saw how Dia was like that simpler girl, yet shone with the elegance she always  _ wore.  _ She was like her. Ceramic, that reflected the light placed above her. She placed the figure wherever she saw fit, which was always the top. And every time Ruby moved the figure to a much better place, she would drag Dia to let her see where she put it. It was like being on top of the world. Ruby put her there.

 

Ruby supposed, Dia was almost like an unreachable entity for her. Always on a pedestal, and she always felt nothing but pride whenever she was recognized. She could always watch, and that didn’t matter to Ruby. What mattered to her was Dia being seen, and Dia was her sister.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not this emo on my twitter lol @atohiyo


End file.
